Goals:

1. Read more

2. Make my house prettier

3. Learn violin

4. Save up for a legit camera

5. Draw more + experiment with drawing more

6. Clean + organize

“Buddy”

I haven’t written anything on tumblr in a while so I figured I’d talk about this since it came up. The word “buddy”. I don’t really understand why people use this word anymore. Technically, it is an older version of “homie” but I think the only time young people use it nowadays is to emphasize the fact that you are just friends (and nothing more). I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone from my generation use this word and been able to take it positively. Maybe it’s just me, but I just don’t think buddy is a word people are used to using. I think it’s a very forced word people use when they’re trying to get a specific message across. Like the phrase, “One of us needs to get his done.” The phrase one of us could perhaps imply a specific person should get it done - maybe you if they’re looking at you. So when someone says, “Hey how you doing buddy?” I feel like they’re trying to point out that we’re friends. And the only reason it bugs me is because I don’t feel like you should need to specify that if we’re really friends. It’s like you’re indirectly asking the question, “We are friends, right?” Typically, I hear this from males who I’m friends with who have girlfriends or who I indirectly rejected or who rejected me. But I’ve also heard it between exes who are trying to be friends. I don’t dislike people for using this word but to be honest I think it’s kind of awkward and unnecessary. If you want to be friends, just be my friend. Don’t make things awkward by pointing out something like that. Yeah we’re buddies, friends, homies, amigos. Okay. End of story.

Don’t Talk. Don’t Feel. Don’t Trust.

Okay, I tried to find a trust quote but all the ones I’m finding are fucking cheesy and dramatic as hell. I’m tired. I’m tired of watching my back all the time. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t say anything because if I do, someone will use it against me. I’m tired of having to question if you’re a liar. I miss my best friend who went off to the army recently. I KNOW I can trust him. I can be myself around him and he will still be there for me even when I’m being crazy. I have maybe one other person who I can comfortably talk to with out having to watch my back constantly. It is absolutely necessary for a healthy person to be able to talk freely with other people. For them to be able to release their emotions and work through them. I feel like I’ve chained myself. I can’t say what I fucking want to say without someone running off and telling the world. I can’t feel how I want to feel without someone telling me I can’t feel that way. That’s probably why I liked tumblr in the first fucking place is because it’s full of people who feel the same way I do. Tumblr is full of compassionate people who realize the human need to express. The people I consider friends can talk to me if something is bothering them. They can trust that I’m not going to judge them for it or tell the world because I understand. I understand that what they mean in the heat of the moment isn’t always exactly how they feel. I understand that if they say they want to kill someone (unless they’re looking for ammunition) that they don’t mean it. This is such a headache to me. It makes me wonder… do real friends exist anymore? Or are have we all become every man for himself, backstabbing bitches?